Priorities

When someone starts talking about things like blood cells, DNA, or ganglia; I always say that I don't have any of them.
Then I start talking about something important like my new socks.

Bottleneck

I don't know about you, but driving through a city called Bottleneck might not be the best idea!

Directions

When people ask me for directions, I tell them "You can't get there from here".

Usually the look on their faces makes me feel a little sorry for them; so I tell them where the airport is.

Mirrors

I walked by a mirror and didn't see my reflection.

It was very freaky!

Maybe it was a window.
I'm not too sure.

Delicatessens

If I had a delicatessen, I'd call it The Psycho Deli.

Maybe I'd have a blackvelvet poster and a lava lamp somewhere.

Pets as Gifts

I don't think it is a good idea to give a pet as a gift.

so

I usually give 2 pets: a male and female rabbit!

just to be safe.

I Want to be a Webler!

web log = weblog = blog

Why isn't it "webl"?

I'd rather webl and be a webler!

Turn Signals

I want up and down turn signals on my car: just in case.

Pirates of the Caribbean

I don't care how good the movies are; the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland sucks.

Funerals

Let's put the "fun" back in "funeral"!

Christmas Carols

People in the Southern Hemisphere are pretty good sports about Christmas Carols.

Youth

When I was young, I was a lot shorter than I am now.

Jaw Breakers

Has anyone ever broken their jaw on a jawbreaker?

FALSE ADVERTISING!

Rules

Rules are made to be broken.

except in sports.

There's video replay now!

j-pods

I'm waiting for the j-pods to come out!

Zombies are a Dying Breed

If everyone were cremated.....

I guess there would be no more Zombie movies!

That would suck.

My Usual Response

When other people talk to me and I don't hear what they say, I usually answer with:

I like dogs, but I can't eat a whole one!

Zamboni

Zamboni

I just love the way that word rolls off my tongue!

Growing Old

I can't wait to be old: then I would have an excuse for being such a crap driver.

Kraft Dinner

Off of the Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dinner box:

It's the CHEESIEST.
That's why more kids and moms love "the one in the Blue Box."
Right down to the bottom of the bowl.
Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

Forget kids and moms, I love it too!

Cats and Tongues

"What's the matter? Cat got your tongue."

Who thought that one up?
Were cats once notorious tongue thieves?

I'm going to have nighmares now!!

Space Bars

Space Bar

-cool name!
-the biggest button on the keyboard!
-the most used button on the keyboard!

All hail the space bar!

Hangovers

There should be a food product call "hangover".

-I'd like a hangover please.
-Snickers are good, but hangovers are better!
-Can you get me a hangover from the store?
-I had 3 hangovers yesterday Yum!

Big Macs

If you put a Big Mac in a blender and drank it, would it taste the same?

Crime Drama

Why are there so many Crime Dramas on TV?
I think there should be one titled, "The Proof is in the Pudding".

At every crime scene, the lead character could say,
"We better check the pudding to solve this one."

Pudding is good too!

2 questions you don't want to hear

How long can a car drive in first gear with the gas pedal to the floor before it blows up?

Can I borrow your car?

Repetitive Action Verbal Expressions or RAVE

Everytime I turn on my propane cooking stove elements I always say, "Flame On!" like the human torch in the Fantastic Four!

Do you catch yourself saying something stupid when performing a very ordinary action?

Do you know what's better than....?

When someone says they really like chocolate cake, I usually ask,
Do you know what's better than chocolate cake?
and then answer: 2 chocolate cakes!!!

I use this question and answer routine for most things.

It's really annoying.

Broken Clock

I thought my clock was broken: the second hand didn't move for a second.

Working in the Bubble Wrap Factory

I bet people are pretty stress free working in a bubble wrap factory.

When the heat comes down, just start popping those bubbles.


I bet there aren't too many accidents either!

Taxi

To the airport and no dawdling!!

It's Universal

No matter where you go, there is always one of these signs!!

Chiropractors

It's just a hunch, but I think you should see a chiropractor!

Alarm Clocks

The sound coming from the clock was alarming!!!

Buttons

Why do men and women's shirts button on different sides?

Even Jeeves doesn't have a definative answer to this one!

I've totally lost faith.

Impressions

This is my impression of Mr. Jingles from The Green Mile.

I could have been a stunt double!!

Dollar Store

When people show me something they bought at a dollar store,

I always ask how much it was.

Twins

When I meet twins, I like to ask one of them when their birthday is.

After he or she answers, I ask the other one.

Food Court

When you have food conflicts with other people, don't take the law into your own hands.

Take them to Food Court!